Love and Inspiration

Ok, so I had to run out on my last post but it was probably a good thing since I noticed a negative ending and I dont want that. I try so hard to stay positive and see that "everything happens for a reason". Me, like most, hit those points in our lives where "a reason" doesn't make any fucking sense at all. I'm sure it does in whoever "your God's"eyes are but my God and I, are having difficulties understanding each other. I have made this blog to be "not about me" because it's not in so many ways, however in a small portion it is, I guess. Meaning, bottom line, I love my sister more then she probably knows or more then I have ever been able to tell her in plain english and she is and always will be my true inspiration, hero, warrior and so many other things that you see in people that may not even be related to you but only dream about. To see her going through this "fight for life" and know she's crying behind closed door's because she doesn't want us to see her pain is something that nobody should ever have to do, especially someone you love so very much. I know everyone has lost someone in their life, we lost many family members already, our dad in 1984, gramma's, uncles, aunts, cousins and many dear friends. Am I having a hard fucking time with all this, fuck yes, I am, BUT, I do understand and agree with my sisters decisions on how and why she is guiding her life. Every moment of every day, I pray for you and my family to be well and carry the strength that we all need to be able to see our "Golden Sunset" every precious day.

Note to my precious sister Patty:


Sissy, I will be strong for you, I will be here for you. You have my whole heart and being and all you need to help you in every way possible if you will allow me. I know you are strong, free-spirited and can take on the galaxy when you have to and I will never stand in your way but want you to know that when you need a shoulder, strength, hope and love, I am always here, by your side and will NEVER leave you.

I love you, 
Your baby sister, Teresa

"Always on my mind"

So wow, my 3rd post in a day. Scared, worried, anxious, lonely, tired, hungry, angry? Dont know but all I do from the moment I wake up til my brain shuts off at night, when thats possible, is pray, plead, negotiate, cuss, scream, wish and bargain with whoever "God" is. When I do sleep and when I dream, they are really confusing. I could be one place doing something and then bam, I'm in another and there's my sissy. Alot of them are when we were young and I can picture it so vividly when Im awake. Then the nightmares, fucking NIGHTMARES. I wont get into that cuz I really dont want to remember them. So much, so little time.. To be cont'd, gotta run out.

God, are you there?

I think I started somewhere in the middle of my anger on the first post but there is soooo much flowing through my thick head right now I don't know where to put it all. I'm so angry, distressed, scared and somewhat still in denial. I cannot, for the life of me, get past this stage. 

My sis was told, for the 3rd time, that the cancer is back last Wednesday. This is fucking bullshit. She has been through hell and back with chemo, puking, pain and head fucks for the past year and a half. This will be her third round of chemo and she is a fucking warrior. Why can't I be? I have prayed, pleaded, promised, cussed, ranted and raved to God to PLEASE take this away from her, she doesn't deserve this. I even asked Him to give it to me so that she can live and I will perish proudly and honorably but no, God, in His infinite wisdom, decided to "grant me" diverticulitis and send me to surgery. That was in May of this year and am happy to say that all is well there for the most part. I guess He wasn't listening to my WHOLE plead. I know, ya'll think thats the stupidest thing to ask for but let me tell you something. Us people that love our family more then ANYTHING and will do anything for eachother, even die, to keep the other alive is all I know. My sister DESERVES to be here, she has earned her RIGHT to stay here and DAMMIT, if it takes me going in her place, then so fucking be it. GOD, ARE YOU LISTENING YET????

The Beginning

I guess I should have started this some time ago because now I'm really angry for what is happening to my precious sister, yet again. You see, she has ovarian cancer and this blog is not only how I feel about the whole fucking cancer thing but about my beautiful, loving, caring, hero,, my sister Patty. She has a blog called Shades Of Blue that describes her life living with cancer. I am an avid follower of her blog because as most people know, we write better then we talk about things that bother us or need to get off our chest. She also has another one that she started prior to this "discovery" of being diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer called "Make Mine a Double".  I spent a couple hours reading about the things that I had no idea about my sissy and through my tears I read about her before her diagnosis and the day she got the horrible fucking news of this dreadful and deadly disease. Yes, I was here in the same state, just a city over, when she got the news. When I was told about this, my heart, body and soul dropped to the depth of the earth. WHAT THE FUCK? My sister? NO way in HELL can this be happening to her. There must have been a stupid ass in the lab that made a HUGE mistake. This is MY SISTER, my beautiful precious sister. Well, turns out the ultra sound she went in for to see if she had a something up with her kidney discovered a mass in her ovary, a big one. So now, the tests, the surgeries, the denial and the tears begin. My precious sissy, YOU are my "Golden Sunset".  I love you so much.